Part 26: Update -XXII- AH HAH HAH HAH HAH

Last update we met Cloud, Celes, and Cid. Found out that Tometown had been invaded by Vampires. Reynn momentarily became more interesting when she got turned into a Vampire herself. Then we put a stop to Vampire Prime.

Also, Cactuar Conductor proved he is still the best World of Final Fantasy character we've met so far.







Looks like Tometown is back to normal now that we killed Vampire Prime.

Oh! Looks like everyone is back to normal now.

Another day has been the-saved!

Alrighty then, next up is... What were we after again?

The Key of Tides.

"Will Reynn and the-Lann succeed in their noble adventure? Stay the-tuned!"

Tama! Hey! Who gave you permission to cut to a commercial break? Put us back on the air!

"And now... back to the Adventures of Lann and Reynn and Tama and a Bunch of Mirages and Lann!"

Oh, whatever... So what are we doing? Anybody? Should we go pay one last visit to Celes and Cid before we head out?

The Adventures of Reynn and Lann was later canceled due to abysmally low ratings.



Now that the lights are back on, here's a better look at that Page 256 statue I mentioned. You can also see the Byblos statue there in the background.



If we run down the alley that we followed Cloud into earlier, we can spy a cat at the end of one of the paths. This one has another personal posting for us.



Whomever this girl is, she sure likes to dart around.



So, about this Besaid place...

It sounds like it's the continent the-directly above us.

He JUST said that Tama. Christ, it was 5 seconds ago.

Good. We won't do any falling to get there.

Be-whatever-it's-called, here we come!

No jokes about B.O. this time? Oh good.

And that's it. Cid just randomly throws out the information we need to continue. No cutscene or anything, he just blabs it and we now have our destination. No wrap-up with Celes or anything either. This whole place just reverted to an inert state the moment we killed Vampire Prime.

Other than that, there are a few side-quests to pick up here. Once you've talked to Cid, there's a guy next to the exit gate in the town square that wants us to go hunt some Mirages in the Train Graveyard, which... we'll get to that eventually... for reasons. Reasons that can chuck and cut entire train cars in half with one swing.

There's also a side-quest guy in the alley that wants 1 wind and 1 earth spellstone.



As soon as we leave Tometown, Chapter 18 gets started. Quacho Queen, huh? Nice to know we've finally moved away from Adventure Time princesses.



The path outside Tometown has now opened up a bit as well. The left path leads to the Train Graveyard, although we can just Gate there if we want. The right path is how we start trucking towards Besaid.



That's the-north of us! Maybe the train'll take us to the upper the-continent!

Update 22 Highlights - Chapter Opening + Cutscene


Hey. These tracks don't go anywhere.





There we go. Now things are getting a little livelier.

Not him...

Yes, me.

If the conductor is here, then the train must be up and the-running.

But like, how can he be in so many places? Who's cactuaring the other trains?

I'm everywhere my passengers need me! The nitty-gritty technical details are a trade secret.

Good enough explanation for me.



Nice try!

D'agh!

So, uh, Mr. the-Conductor, sir, is the train running? Does it go to the upper the-continent?

Of course it does! Go on then, all aboard! But first... Your tickets, please!



Before we board the train to Besaid, there's a lady here with a side-quest for us. She just wants to see a lady Mirage for inspiration. Any one will do. I just quickly pull story Shiva out since there's a gate right there. The reward is an Accuracy+ seed.

There's a chest with 2 turbo ethers on the platform just above the gate. There's also a poster next to it that reads:



This is a reference to Lightning Returns: FFXIII. There is a minor side-quest where you have to track down four Chocobo Girls who will give you 1 Fireworks item each. You need to go looking for a bunch of other flyers to learn the password before you can talk to them, though.

Completing the quest unlocks a Miqo'te costume for Lightning (that cat-girl one I used in the M.C.Hammer postcard and that was also pictured in Lightning's intro recap).

Anyway, that's enough of that. We're done here, so let's see what this trackless train situation is all about.



Anime Cactuar Conductor.



What are they for?

Honestly, this shouldn't be something that's weird to hear. The reason they don't put seat belts on trains is because people can't be assed to wear the damn things, and if some people wear them and others don't? Then the ones that don't become fucking projectiles hurtling towards the ones that do. People suck.



Reynn, the fuck are you doing? You do realize that if there's a sudden impact/stop you will turn Tama's insides into paste, right?





D'ah!





Sick, rocket train.









~Rocket train, burning up its fuse out here alone~

*The train then breaches the ocean, somehow?*





See? That's exactly why you don't strap someone in to a seat belt on top of you. How Tama managed to wriggle free before becoming a pancake is anyone's guess.

Why does this world's transportation have to be so--

Hwooow...!

Wh-what?





Turbine Shark!

Wooow...











Wait, where? Also, can we please stop using "Aloha" every time there's a beach resort looking place in a not-earth setting? There are a lot of other beach places in the world besides Hawaii.

Update 22 Highlights - HA HA HA HA HA
Hoh, I am the-loving this weather!

It makes me just wanna laugh out loud! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

I have no idea how to react to that, so I'm just gonna ignore you. Now, what do you say we head for that town over there?

I think most of you recognise what Lann is referencing here, even if you aren't a big Final Fantasy nerd. The "Tidus laughs" scene from FFX is brought up constantly whenever anyone talks about bad voice acting.

Many people misinterpret that scene as being honest, but Tidus is supposed to sound fake and cringey. He isn't laughing because something was funny, he's attempting to get Yuna to let out her stress and negative feelings.

That being said, it's still a very awkward scene despite knowing that. It might just be a personal thing, but it's incredibly cringe-inducing when people try really hard to force a reaction.

Anyway, before we go to the town, head all the way south along the beach to find a chest with 5 star curtains in it. If you aren't like me (as in, you don't make sure to carry 2 or 3 of every speciality item all the time) then these could very well save your ass during a Murkrift way further in this chapter.





After that, we head to Port Besaid. I hate this place. I hate this place a LOT. This tiny little area is the source of so many bad things.

Besaid is a location from FFX. It's the village where the journey really begins. Most of the party lives there, including: Yuna, Lulu, Wakka and Kimahri. This place has some similarities to X's Besaid, such as the ruins jutting out of the landscape and the beautiful beach-side location, but the town itself is decidedly more modern than in X.



WoFF Besaid has actual houses, for one thing.

Okay, we've got a temple in the deep to find. Why don't we start by asking around?

Time to nag the townsfolk again I guess.



In a bid to delay the inevitable, here's another Old Personal Posting cat.



Pro-tip: Don't announce your intention to commit crimes in the personals section. Also maybe don't refer to yourself as a "self-confident bandit".



There's a remedy+ in a chest on this house. Fuck this house, by the way.

In the town square next to one of the people who we have to talk to for story progress, there's a dude that wants 5 fish scales in order to decorate a proposal letter. Apparently his family has some superstitious belief about proposal letters being decorated with fish scales ensuring a "Yes".

Maybe just try proposing to her? Who does a marriage letter? Also, how have those managed to work for this guy's ancestors? "Dearest Cecilia: Would you do me the honour of giving me your hand in everlasting marriage? P.S. If you bring your answer to my house and nobody happens to be in, just kind of wedge it into the door above the handle. DON'T slide it under the door. The dog has a habit of chewing the mail up."



Anyway, may as well get this tooth pulled. We need to chat up three locals for information on the Sunken Temple.





Fat chance. I'm one of those insane people that put like a hundred hours into that fucking mini-game when X came out. I spent enough time playing it that my players could make full-court shots against any team, or win games 12-0. My Blitzball days are thankfully long behind me.

Where would they even play Blitzball around here? I don't see a big stadium or a sphere of floaty water.



Okay, okay. I'm moving on. That was my last desperate attempt at stalling.



What'd you expect? It's the "temple in the deep." You think people would call it that if it was swimmable?

And from the look of it, the train probably doesn't stop there either.

*The group notices a sign off to the side*



Yeah. Pants must be serious business.

It's "pantologist," dummy. The prefix is "pan."

Cookware, huh? Neat!

Not those pans. As in "all"! Like they do a little of everything.

In other words: a jack of all trades, master of none.

See also: Every anonymous commenter on the internet.

Ohhh! Well, if they do a little of everything, then maybe they can do a little of helping us get down to that sunken temple. Let's hit the pants!

Wha-- Wait! Lann!



Ugh... fuck me sideways...

Our goal is that mini-castle looking building from earlier. The one that had the treasure chest on it.

Update 22 Highlights - Psycho Knight fights the urge to burn the LP






Burn in hell.

Shantotto is voiced by Candi Milo in English, Megumi Hayashibara in Japanese.



Shantotto is from FFXI. I'm going to apologize in advance to XI fans, because I despise Shantotto. She hits so many of my "I hate this character trait" boxes. She has that godawful hand under chin/noble laugh. She's one of those "don't judge a book by its cover" characters that the game/anime/whatever will portray as being weak or small-time, but PLOT TWIST: they're actually crazy powerful! Also, don't make her angry or else everyone is going to be super unnerved by how scary she looks! Wacky!

That only touches the surface of her. Apparently she was the most popular character in XI and has therefore become the face of the game for any crossover appearances (such as this game and Dissidia). It isn't a Japanese only thing either, people outside of Japan loved her too. I simply don't understand it. I'm perfectly willing to admit that this is a personal taste thing. I just hate everything about her character. The only way she could be worse is if she was a full-on Tsundere (I think she might actually still have hints of that). Anyway, I'll stop my rant by saying that I greatly enjoyed kicking the shit out of her in Dissidia. Unfortunately, it wasn't perfect catharsis because when she loses in that game it pulls a bullshit "You were actually just fighting a magic doll that looks like her".

So, Shantotto. She's part of a high-profile lineage of Black Mages. She was involved in the Crystal War where she got stripped of her position for defying orders (but because she's just SO AWESOME, her defying orders resulted in a bunch of major victories). She came out of the war a hero and later retired from the Windurst ministry to continue her research. She sends the player character on a bunch of dangerous quests and has some involvement in later expansions. Her popularity in the game was so great that she later got an add-on scenario devoted to her called "A Shantotto Ascension - The Legend Torn, Her Empire Born". It involved her going to an alternate universe that she tries to take over, then the 'her' from that universe goes to Shantotto's universe and gets split into a good and bad version. The bad version tries to spread a curse that would turn everyone into Shantotto clones, but the regular Shantotto comes back in time to save the day.



Also, in the English version she constantly speaks in rhyme. So check another box off PK's "Fuck this character" list.

Service please!



Who goes there? Oh my. I rarely cross paths with a Jiant pair.

So tell me. Are you the pan-mighty person from the ad?

Yes, that's the gist. How can I assist?

*One exposition break later*



Yes.

I dunno, maybe you could give us a magic spell? You know, something that lets us breathe underwater? Maybe some magic pants?

Breathe underwater? Whether it's gills or spells you want, a solution can be met... But, the sea is its own kind of hell. You're almost certain to regret. The currents will leave you blind. And it's so big you'll be bored out of your mind.

Neither of those things will be true about our upcoming journey.

Th-that's discouraging.

Well, hang on. We can handle a little certain regret.

Uh, yeah. If you know a solution, then we'd really appreciate it if you could help us out. So c'mon. Please?

Hm. Well, if you're quite certain that that is your desire, perhaps you're just what I require...

'Scuse me?

Excellent! We'll start with the dunce. You see, you can't do two total losers at once.





Urk! Can't... breathe...

Huh? Lann?! Hey! What's wrong? What did you do to him?!

There, there. He simply can no longer breathe air.

Why not?

Oh, come now, darling, use your head. You wanted to swim like the fishes, you said. But a fish out of water is soon to be dead.

Are you some kind of murderer?!

Oh my... After I do you a favor, this is how you choose to repay me?



Yeah, yeah. Let's get this story-mandated loss over with. The sooner we're done with you the better it will be for my blood pressure.



What?! But... I... she... Uhh... Please forgive me...? No?!

The plot says you have to lose. Moving on.

Update 22 Highlights - Fish in a Barrel






Reynn, you can breathe underwater now. If you couldn't then you wouldn't have survived being knocked out in there.





Heey sis. (Lann says this, but it isn't subtitled. Not sure why.)



Well, off you go with these two flakes.



You got it!



And things go from bad to worse.

Tidus is voiced by James Arnold Taylor in English and Masakazu Morita in Japanese.



Tidus is from FFX and he is the last missing piece of the X cast in this game. That means that after this update, we'll have another installment of "The Mixed Legacy of Final Fantasy Extended Universes". User Blaze Dragon might possibly wind up a broken heap of a man by the end of that one.

But before that we need to wrap this update.

Right out of the gate, we need to clear something up: Tidus is not pronounced like "Tide-us". It's pronounced like "Tee-dus". This used to bother me quite a bit, because I think "Tee-dus" sounds stupid, but one day I remembered that I don't really like him anyway, so why should I give a crap what his name is pronounced like?

In FFX, Tidus gets pulled into the world of Spira when the giant doom whale shows up in his home town and starts wrecking the place, interrupting his Blitzball game (it's basically water polo crossed with rugby and played in a gigantic floating sphere of water). He discovers that he was brought 1000 years into the future. Stumbling around in an unfamiliar world, Tidus eventually winds up in Besaid where he meets Waka, Lulu, Kimahri, and Yuna. He takes a liking to Yuna and she does the same, which results in him becoming part of her summoner's entourage. Tidus travels around with the group, repeatedly shits all over established customs and religious rituals, and generally just acts as a way for the cast to dump exposition on the audience without it being weird.

By the end of the game, Tidus has found out that his dad somehow wound up in the world himself and ended up becoming the vessel for the giant doom whale. Also, Tidus didn't quite get transported through time so much as he was simply dreamed up.



Basically, the city that Tidus was "transported" from got wiped out in a war 1000 years ago. The guy who ruled that place took everyone that was left alive and stuck their souls into some statues, then used them to create a dream version of the city and its people that would live on forever. The souls eventually get kind of tired of sustaining dream world and the summon monsters everyone keeps using for over a millennium, so they pull Tidus out to try and put a stop to things so that they could get some damn peace.

You can probably guess the hitch in this plan. If the statue souls stop the summoning and dream world goes away, then Tidus kind of goes away as well. So at the end of FFX, Tidus fades away into the afterlife.

So it's a bittersweet ending. Doom whale is finished for good, the fayth get to finally rest and stop the constant summoning ritual, but Tidus disappears and Yuna is sad about that because they love each other.



Except he comes back in FFX-2. If the player hits the right flags during the course of the game, then they get to see the "Good Ending". Yuna asks the fayth if they could do her a solid and try to will Tidus back into existence, and at the very end of the game he'll swim out of the water off the coast of Besaid and the two get to reunite and everyone is happy.

Well, that's assuming you stopped at X-2, but we'll get to that in detail once this update ends.









And that's where we'll have to stop for now. Next update is a dungeon and also some important story stuff. Also, now is the time to read up on Part 2 of the Extended Universe miniseries, if you can stomach it anyway.